Have you ever made yourself crazy over a relationship decision when you needed to get everyone’s opinions, but your own got lost in the shuffle? I see this in my practice all the time, and there was a time in my life that I did the same thing. It’s a daunting way to live and it can feel very overwhelming and disempowering. However, when you are empowered, all you need is your own opinion. If you really stopped for a minute, quieted all of those other voices and tuned into yours, the clarity would be right there!
Give Yourself Time
You should never put pressure on yourself to make any decision until you’re ready. Allow yourself the opportunity to listen to your heart, so you can hear that clarity from within. This has nothing to do with your level of love and respect for your family and friends – it’s about owning and honoring what your heart wants and how your heart feels. Some people spend their whole lives basing decisions and living their lives according to what other people say is best for them, or what other people themselves would do. How many times has someone said to you, “Well, I wouldn’t do that if I were you….” “Well, you’re not ME”- period… exclamation point! We all come to this earth as unique human beings with unique hearts and unique gifts to share with the world – if we were all the same it would be boring. The people that truly and unconditionally love you will always truly and unconditionally love you no matter what.
A Real Life Example
I’ll give you an example of a client of mine who struggled with trusting herself. Melissa was 27 years old and she was dating Alex, a very successful business man. Alex was good-looking and had come highly recommended from her parent’s friends who fixed them up. Alex was a few years older and Melissa had never been “wined and dined” quite like this before, and it felt good. She felt like a grown woman, and she loved how thoughtful Alex was about their dates and the little gestures he would make with flowers and cards etc. As she got to know him, she realized that behind that “shmoozy” guy that everyone “loved,” was a stressed-out man who was a functioning alcoholic, and truly not enjoyable to be around for Melissa. She saw what he was like behind closed doors. Melissa spent months in my office crying about him – I asked simple questions to help her get clear on what she wanted out of a relationship. Every time I asked her what the payoff was and what she get out of the relationship, her initial instinct was always an emphatic “NOTHING!” She would then start to rationalize.
“But my parents love him and so many people think he is a great guy- what am I missing???” Are your parents and those “people” with you in his apartment after a night of him wasted and talking to everyone in the room but, you and then passing out on his couch? (This was the recurring story Melissa would tell me after every weekend when she would come in for her Monday session). She would sit there with contemplation in her eyes. I could tell that she wanted so badly to be able to breakup with him but her empathic ways wouldn’t let her. She would rationalize and say that Alex was stressed at work. My job wasn’t to tell her what to do even though it was clear that this was not a healthy relationship. My job is to be there to simply guide, reflect and ask questions in order for her to come to her decision or her ah-ha moment. I encourage my clients to get to their own conclusions at their own time, and I encourage them to make their own decisions. I help them navigate by asking them simple, yet important questions like, “Are you happy in this relationship?” I help them to self-reflect, go inward to see how they are feeling, and what they really want for themselves. I ask about what feels good, like home, what brings their heart peace and what doesn’t- what feels yucky, uncomfortable and “not right?”
Why do people stay in relationships for longer than is necessary? Why do we as humans make ourselves CRAZY over ending a relationship that is not healthy for us mind, body and soul? Why is it so hard to honor ourselves? If our answers are ALWAYS within, then why do we seek out others to validate us? It sounds funny when you stop to think about it; that we would trust someone else’s advice for ourselves over our own. No one knows you better than you know yourself.
I used to not be nearly as in touch with my intuition, my knowing, and my truth as I am today. A silly, but perfect example of not trusting my inner guidance in the past was when I was registering for my wedding with my mom. I saw these beautiful blue glass plates and glasses and my mom said “oh, you don’t want to get those- you’ll get tired of them- better to get white”…. So I proceeded to ask all of my married friends what color plates and glasses they registered for, and I literally took a poll to see who thought I should get the blue and who thought white. Some said blue and some said white – I made myself crazy over something that I was going to drink out of and eat food off of. This was not life or death. I ended up NOT registering for the blue plates and glasses, and guess what? I still had a yearning for them, so a year after my wedding I bought them and I love them still five years later. I was trusting my mom’s and friends’ opinions over my own. That was the last time that I lived my life according to what someone else thinks. Sounds funny for the blue plates and glasses to be my “last straw” but it really was, and I’ve felt so incredibly empowered since then and you can too! All you need to do is to take a moment, in the moment when you are making a decision – take a moment or a few moments, or a day or a month- doesn’t matter how long it takes; all that matters is that your answer comes from YOUR heart, soul, intuition- whatever you want to call it -you are the expert of you!
Back to Melissa. After a bunch of sessions, Melissa looked inside, confirmed to herself that this wasn’t the type of relationship she wanted to be in, and she broke up with Alex. A few months later, she met her husband, Gregg. Her life was literally on hold by being in that stale relationship. There was no way that she was going to be able to manifest the right guy for her by staying in a relationship that was draining her very essence. If she would have stayed in the relationship she never would have known what it really feels like to be in love.
When we are filled up with self-love and showing up in life from our authentic self, then nothing and no one on the outside can make us waiver from ourselves and our knowing. It’s easier said than done, but I promise once you start to practice living like this your whole being will feel more grounded and at peace. Once we get past our family, society, our friends and just ask ourselves what we want, how we feel, and what we KNOW is our truth inside, everything gets easier and things start to flow more organically.
Seek Advice, but Decide For Yourself
Asking for advice and having a conversation with a friend or family member to talk through things is more than okay. It’s a very normal thing to do with someone who you know loves and supports you. The key is to stay connected to YOU and don’t let others control or dictate your actions. Living your life the way you decide not only brings you peace of mind and happiness, but gives you the opportunity to learn and improve yourself.